UFO UpDate: Third Face on Mars Discovered
-- Film at Eleven
  From: Jim Mortellaro
UFO UpDates - Toronto

Early this morning, astronomers from the New York City Society of Anomalous Stuff, Mostly Faces on Planets (NYCSASMFOP), were shocked to discover a third face on the surface of Mars which is now in conjunctivitis with the Earth. Not only that, but Jupiter is laying with Mars.

"Lying" ... Sorry.

Photos of this highly unusual face were immediately dispatched to Central Intelligence, National Safety Association and the Oral Office. It has been determined that this discovery is a matter of national insignificance, thereby precluding the release of the photos to the pubic... uh, the public ... sorry. This reporter has it on very good authority that this latest face so strongly resembles Phil Klass that there are people out there who believe Mr. Klass is, in reality, an illegal alien from there. Which is really wierd since most folks I know think he's Elvis. This plot thickens quicker than Gripple ages.

"Citizens have no right knowing the truth, since it might set them free and that's all we need right now!" said a White Horse Ex Spurt. Gripple Works astronomers however, have also photographed the object and released copies to the press, which refused to comment on the matter saying, "If Gesundt was involved, it's probably swamp gas." "But there is no swamp gas on Mars. We've got them there, eh?" stated Gesundt, who is most likely from Ontario ... or maybe Toronto even because he talks funny.

"Gripple has been following this story for weeks now, the only person we can contact who would believe us is that Cheese person, that Fromage. But he's not talking. We think the Gubbamint got to him too" stated Dr. Morty, Gripple Meister.

Ramalama Ding Dong, the other white meat, was overheard saying (in the men's room at CIA headquarters) that NASA would keep the lid on this thing as long as it took to keep the public in (code word) "MUSHROOM" status ... in CIA-speak, this means, "Keep 'em in the dark and feed them manure." Actually they did not say, "manure," they used another word. But this is not public radio.

And so another day passes in the life of UFOlogists. "It travels like fog does ... on cat's feet, as the poet once said. Gosh, in this age of the Internet and HMO's, it's so hard to know the truth. Gesundt said that. "Everybody must get stoned." Dylan said that.

Drink Gripple. It works faster. I said that.

Captain E.J. Smith... Smithe...


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