| UFO UpDate: Gesundt and Gripple, The Rest, Of The Story! | |
| From Jim Mortellaro, |
|
| It is becoming widely known that the sky over Canal Street has
been a hot bed of UFO activity since April 17, 1998, when the
rat poison manufacturing plant closed, only to be resurrected as
the Canal Street Gripple Works, as it is locally known. Gripple, for those few of you who are not familiar with it, is Fresh Wine made from Grape Juice and Ripple. Sublimely fresh, sublimely refreshing and sublimely but subtly inebriating, Gripple has since been reincarnated as Gripple with Vitamin G, Gripple with anatomically correct blow up dolls (Julio Iglsesias and Pia Zadora, he made them), Gripple Dripple and Gripple Dripple con and sin gas. The newest Gripple product has been banned in Boston due to the dirty hallucinations caused when drunk alone. Which is what most people do because drinking it in public causes complete and total personal embarrassment. Just aks Gesundt... who is originally from the Bronks, hence, "aks!" To get back to the point... the founder of Gripple, one Dr. Jaime Gesundt, has, like that cheese person, Fromage, devoted much of his fortune to UFO research. Not to be outdone by that "Cheese Upstart," as gesundt calls Fromage, Dr. Gesundt has also established a freshly made cheesery and a brand spanking new publishing operation, exclusively devoted entirely to UFO matters. During the past three to five months, local residents of the Canal Street area have been noticing strange and anomalous lights hovering over and around the Gripple Works. The problem has been that these local residents have not been believed by the authorities for some time, as they are homeless inebriants, living off the fumes from the Gripple Works. Police and the Mayor's office personnel have had numerous reports of red, orange and purple lights and loud and very strange "hiccoughing" type sounds seemingly coming from hundreds of feet above the Gripple Works. The Mayor, Rudolph Jooliani, also known as Za Furor, chose to ignore the reports, until one night last week when the Mayor himself witnessed these exact same lights and hiccoughing sound coming from directly above Gracie Mansion. The Furer immediately called out the New York City private Mayoral Secret Police, also known as the NYCity Gestapo, and ordered the lights and sounds shot out of the sky with exactly 41 bullets. It is estimated that only 19 hit the object, because the Gestapo had been Grippling when they were awakened from their bunker in the heart of the city. During the ensuing investigation, it was discovered that Gripple was being distributed to aliens from the planet Mongo (Santa Maria!) by Dr. Gesundt. As a result of this illegal activity, Dr. Gesundt had been incarcerated by the secret police and held in communicado. Gesundt has been likened to John Ford and Hurricane Rubin Carter, by his UFO following. To make matters worse, the aliens originally used Gripple in order to calm the human abductees, but began to drink it themselves, transdermally, if course. This has caused numerous errors in their abductions, such as Jammies placed on backwards, panties, bras, athletic supporters and other personal paraphernalia, either placed on backwards, or not at all and sometimes, male stuff placed on females, and vice versa. So the alien supervisors have banned the use of Gripple on all interstellar cruisers and abduction sport models, indefinitely! With business down from such events, and the war in Yugo SanGria raging, not to mention the price of labor for all that grape stomping (I told you not to mention that), costs to manufacture this slop have skyrocketed. Destitute, broke, failing health (he's addicted to Gripple like you wouldn't believe) Gesundt even spilled grits on his Tandy 1000TX computer and has steadfastly refused to use any other machine. Were it not for the benefits of Gripple (it has lithium in it) Gesundt would have mainlined Gripple a long time ago and of course, this would have ended his life within minutes. This bulletin is brought to you by the makers of Gripple Too, a new product by Gesundt, believed by many to be the salvation of the Gripple Works and make enough money to free Gesundt from the Mayor's clutches. Gesundt has aksed me to tell you that he needs nothing except a little Gripple to keep him going, and to tell you all that he loves you. Except that Cheese upstart, Fromage, beCAUSe Fromage never even sent a greeting card, let alone the hunnert grand needed to spring the little Jewish Vintner. Actually he's not Jewish, he's Sicilian... much the same except the dialect is a little different. Not to be offended, I too, am Sicilian, which is why Jooiani agreed to my visit to Gesundt. In fact, since learning that Gesundt was "one of us," Jooliani melted like fresh cheese on hot Gripple and sprung Gesundt for the holidays. So to the Mayor, A Zissen Passoch _or_ Happy Easter, depending on your mood. Thank you for listening to my story and don't forget to support Gesundt with cash money. It'll go a long way toward helping abductees all over the world since Gesundt's newest research project is an anti-abduction brew which will blow your mind. Last, the winner of the Latin Translation contest is Mayor Rudolph Jooliani, who will receive a ligfetime supply of Gripple and Julio Iglesias blow up dolls, anatomically correct... (don't aks). The Mayor was able to translate the following Latin... Lucit bene derdego hunnert busis enero honomo, demis trux! The Mayor was the only one to get it right.... "Lookit, Benny, der day go. Hunnert buses, in a row! Oh no Mo, dem is trucks! Thank you your honor and remember, Gesundt loves you. _______________________________________________ UFO UpDates - Toronto - A UFO & Related Phenomena E-Mail List operated by Errol Bruce-Knapp - 416-696-0304 |
|